Lovixe's Blog

Lovixe's Blog

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24. Sex Worker. 18+ NSFW. I post mostly naked women, cats, random updates and the occasional self shots. http://www.gofundme.com/5ifm04 page counter
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ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

(Source: bellecs, via himilky)

— 16 minutes ago with 185092 notes

wickedclothes:

There / Their / They’re Grammar Teacups

Grammar is important. Help your tea-drinking partner brush up on their grammar skills this afternoon. These teacups individually feature the words “there,” “they’re,” and “their,” with matching saucers featuring sentences displaying the proper use of each word. Sold on Etsy.

— 21 minutes ago with 1349 notes

boozeboobsandtattoos:

empyrean-princess:

hellray:

Mom French braided my mohawk. ♥

OMFG

Badass

(via nikkiediamond)

— 8 hours ago with 51629 notes

leftwiththetide:

lavenderlilith:

When you’re talking to a girl and things start getting serious:

image

Just laughed so hard.

(via itssbrittneybitch)

— 21 hours ago with 91277 notes

mrrepzion:

overtheunderpass:

Chris Pratt worked with Marvel and Children’s Miracle Network Hospital to arrange a special screening of Guardians of the Galaxy for patients, families and staff at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles Wednesday. While the movie played, Pratt snuck out and dressed up as his character, Star-Lord. He spent more than three hours in full costume and handed out movie-themed toys. Pratt also visited patients in the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit, the Children’s Center for Cancer and Blood Diseases, and the Pediatric ICU, as they were too sick to join the movie screening that afternoon.

Pratt spent extra time with one patient, Dylan Prunty, who is a longtime Lego fan and recognized the actor’s voice from The Lego Movie. They spent about 10 minutes reciting different scenes from the film.

Rad.

If i ever become this well-know, I can’t wait to do this. 

(Source: eonline.com)

— 22 hours ago with 61320 notes

Spending my morning watching ending scenes from Final Fantasy games, getting a bit teary eyes from them. I love this series!

— 1 day ago with 2 notes
#nerding out  #final fantasy  #personal 
awwww-cute:

My friend had her daughters at a zoo when she heard, “Ma’am, there’s a lemur on your baby

awwww-cute:

My friend had her daughters at a zoo when she heard, “Ma’am, there’s a lemur on your baby

(via amycore)

— 1 day ago with 236103 notes